What
was
Donald
Trump
thinking
about
the
Jeffrey
Epstein
files?
Maybe
this:
It’s
the
middle
of
2024,
and
the
Epstein
files
are
important
to
my
presidential
campaign. My
base
thinks
the
files
will
prove
that
Democratic
pedophiles
run
the
country. I’m
supposed
to
release
the
files,
expose
the
pedophiles,
and
cleanse
the
country
of
the
Democratic
elite
cabal.
Does
anyone
really
believe
that
crap? Thank
God
for
QAnon.
Anyway,
I
realize
there’s
a
bunch
of
stuff
in
the
Epstein
files
that
makes
me
look
pretty
bad.
The
heck
with
it! I’ll
commit
to
release
the
files
anyway. Maybe
folks
will
have
forgotten
about
Epstein
by
the
time
I’m
inaugurated.
It’s
now
the
summer
of
2025,
and
people
still
remember
the
Epstein
files.
What
can
I
say
now
to
avoid
releasing
the
files,
which
contain
that
incriminating
material?
Maybe
I’ll
say
that
we
can’t
release
the
files
because
they
contain
second-
and
third-hand
information
that
may
damage
the
reputation
of
innocent
people.
Wait
a
minute;
no
one
will
believe
that. Have
you
seen
how
much
I
care
about
the
reputations
of
innocent
people? Hell,
I’ve
been
ordered
to
pay
tens
of
millions
of
dollars
to
E.
Jean
Carroll
for
having
defamed
her. I’m
not
sure
I
should
talk
about
protecting
the
reputations
of
innocent
people.
What
else
can
I
say
to
avoid
releasing
the
files?
Maybe
I
should
say
that
the
files
will
unfairly
incriminate
people. No. My
base
knows
that
the
files
are
incriminating;
that’s
why
people
want
to
see
the
damn
things. That
won’t
work.
Maybe
I
should
say
that
I
can’t
release
the
Epstein
files
because
they
contain
the
names
of
underage
victims
of
sexual
abuse.
I
don’t
really
care
about
underage
girls. I
used
to
go
strolling
around
the dressing
room of
a
Miss
Teenage
America
pageant. But
I’m
not
sure
that
excuse
will
work. If
anyone
really
cares
about
young
victims
of
sexual
abuse,
we
could
just
redact
the
names
of
the
children.
I
guess
there’s
only
one
thing
for
me
to
do: Deny
that
there’s
anything
interesting
in
the
Epstein
files. My
base
will
probably
believe
me
—
God,
I
love
the
deplorables!
—
and
that
will
put
the
whole
issue
behind
me.
Shoot! People
aren’t
believing
me. They
still
want
to
see
the
files. I
guess
we’ve
been
talking
about
Epstein
for
too
long. Even
my
base
isn’t
stupid
enough
to
let
me
renege
on
my
promise
to
release
the
files. And
now
the
Democrats
are
piling
on. What
will
I
do?
Maybe
I
should
say
that
I
can’t
release
the
Epstein
files
because
they
contain
secret
grand
jury
materials.
I
sure
don’t
give
a
damn
about
grand
jury
materials. What
the
hell’s
a
grand
jury,
anyway? Besides,
I’m
immune
from
criminal
prosecution,
so
they
can’t
prosecute
me
if
I
illegally
release
grand
jury
materials.
But
I
don’t
even
have
to
release
the
stuff! I’ll
tell
Pam
Bondi
to
release
“grand
jury
testimony,”
if
courts
authorize
it. The
courts
may
not
authorize
it. Even
if
they
do,
the
grand
jury
would
have
investigated
only
Epstein
and
Ghislaine
Maxwell;
prosecutors
wouldn’t
have
asked
any
questions
about
me. So
long
as
we
release
only
“grand
jury
testimony,”
and
not
the
“Epstein
files,”
I’m
probably
okay.
Shoot! The
Wall
Street
Journal is
about
to
report
on
the
birthday
note
that
I
allegedly
sent
to
Epstein
that
suggests
that
I
might
allegedly
know
about
his
fondness
for
underage
girls.
What
will
I
do
now?
I’ll
have
my
thugs
call
Rupert
Murdoch
and
tell
him
not
to
publish!
Didn’t
work.
I’ll
have
my
thugs
call
the
editor
at
the Journal and
demand
that
she
not
publish!
Didn’t
work.
I’ll
threaten
to
sue
the Journal! (I
know
that’s
ridiculous,
because
a
lawsuit
would
only
draw
attention
to
the
issue,
and
discovery
in
the
lawsuit
would
be
horribly
embarrassing
to
me,
but
what
can
I
do? You
have
to
threaten
to
sue,
and
generally
follow
through,
to
avoid
looking
weak.)
That
didn’t
work
either.
What
do
I
do
now?
Fake
news!
Anything
that
doesn’t
flatter
me
is
always
fake
news.
It’s
a
bifurcated
world: There’s
only
flattering
news
and
fake
news. There
are
only
judges
who
rule
in
my
favor
and
judges
who
are
corrupt,
communist
Democrats. I’ll
just
use
the
old
fake
news
ploy: I’ll
insist
the
birthday
note
to
Epstein
is
a
fake!
This’ll
be
tricky
to
pull
off.
The
note
is
included
with
a
bunch
of
others
in
a
book
that
celebrated
Epstein’s
50th
birthday. The
company
that
published
the
book
probably
has
evidence
that
the
contributors
actually
sent
in
their
contributions. Scores
of
people
who
wrote
other
notes
for
Jeff
will
probably
concede
that
their
notes
are
real. Is
my
alleged
note
the
only
fake
note? Who
faked
it,
and
when?
Jesus
—
Ghislaine
Maxwell
assembled
the
book
for
Jeff,
and
she’s
still
alive. She
could
testify
that
she
didn’t
concoct
stuff
to
put
in
the
book.
Screw
it. Who
gives
a
damn?
I’m
gonna
insist
that
the Journal concocted
the
note
and
somehow
placed
it
in
a
book
that
was
published
20
years
ago. Maybe
they
knew
I’d
be
elected
president. Or
maybe
Obama,
or
Biden,
or
Comey
concocted
the
note.
I
haven’t
worked
this
out
yet,
but
one
of
those
things
should
work.
What
if
they
don’t
work? Even
my
base
might
not
be
that
stupid.
I
guess,
in
the
end,
it
won’t
matter. I’ve
been
found
liable
for
sexual
assault
(which,
in
the
common
meaning
of
the
words,
constituted
rape).
I’ve
been
accused
of
sexual
assault
by
dozens
of
other
women. My
voice
is
on
tape
talking
about
grabbing
women
by
the
pussy. The
whole
world
knows
about
Stormy
Daniels.
None
of
that
made
any
difference.
So
the
birthday
note
will
be
made
public,
and
every
thinking
person
will
know
that
it’s
real.
Of
course
it’s
not
just
the
note.
Epstein
and
I
were
“best
friends”
for
a
long,
long
time.
I
fought
pretty
damn
hard
to
keep
the
entire
Epstein
file
from
being
made
public,
so
there’s
probably
some
other
incriminating
stuff
in
there,
too.
The
hell
with
it;
I’ll
be
incriminated.
I
can’t
be
prosecuted,
even
if
there’s
evidence
of
criminality
in
the
files.
The
Republicans
in
Congress
sure
aren’t
going
to
impeach
me
over
this.
I
guess
I’ll
just
have
a
stain
on
my
reputation.
Another
stain
on
my
reputation?
I
don’t
even
care
if
that’s
fake
news. It’s
basically
no
news
at
all.
Mark Herrmann spent
17
years
as
a
partner
at
a
leading
international
law
firm
and
later
oversaw
litigation,
compliance
and
employment
matters
at
a
large
international
company.
He
is
the
author
of The
Curmudgeon’s
Guide
to
Practicing
Law and Drug
and
Device
Product
Liability
Litigation
Strategy (affiliate
links).
You
can
reach
him
by
email
at [email protected].