If
a
law
school
had
to
descend
into
a
Kafkaesque
experience,
you’d
expect
The
Trial
or
Before
the
Law,
not
Metamorphosis.
In
the
grand
tradition
of
American
legal
education,
where
asbestos
and
lead
paint
commingle
with
pizza
parties
and
regret,
the
University
of
Kentucky
College
of
Law
has
introduced
fresh
nightmare
fuel
for
law
students:
cockroach
infestation!
Not
metaphorical
roaches
like
the
Federalist
Society
kids,
but
the
actual
six-legged,
antennae-wiggling
variety
staging
their
own
moot
court
inside
the
walls.
According
to
a
memo
from
the
Senior
Assistant
Dean
of
Community
Engagement
(and
pest
control
czar,
apparently),
the
bugs
have
returned
to,
or
even
exceeded
“historical
levels.”
This
likely
won’t
make
it
into
next
year’s
recruiting
brochure.
This
isn’t
some
isolated
incident
of
a
stray
critter
scuttling
across
the
floor.
We’re
talking
so
many
bugs
that
the
school
had
to
set
up
a
roach
log,
adding
a
bureaucratic
dimension
to
the
terror.
The
goal
of
this
insect
surveillance
state
is
to
keep
Orkin
apprised
of
the
incursion
as
it
slowly
overwhelms
the
humans
in
this
slow
motion
Starship
Troopers.
We
were
initially
able
to
call
in
every
sighting
to
request
Orkin,
UK’s
pest
control
contractor,
to
respond.
Orkin
was
responding
several
times
a
week,
sometimes
daily,
for
us.
Orkin
is
no
longer
to
able
to
come
at
that
frequency…
That’s
the
beginning
of
a
horror
movie.
Thankfully,
the
sentence
concludes
by
explaining
that
Orkin
will
replace
its
monthly
preventative
treatments
with
weekly
visits,
but
for
anyone
following
the
bouncing
ball,
this
memo
certainly
led
the
reader
to
believe
the
venerable
Orkin
Man
had
gone
full
Private
Hudson
screaming
“GAME
OVER,
MAN!
GAME
OVER!”
as
his
truck
slowly
yet
methodically
beeped
in
reverse
out
of
the
parking
lot.
And
let’s
pause
here
to
appreciate
that
the
law
school
foresaw
this.
The
dean’s
email
notes
they
were
“told
to
expect
their
return”
after
the
2019
rebuild,
like
a
Victorian
ghost,
haunting
the
halls
of
Kentucky
ever
since
she
failed
Torts.
As
an
aside,
Kentucky
law
professor
Richard
Underwood
writes
about
Southern
murder
ballads…
so
if
there
is
an
apparition
roaming
the
halls,
he
would
know.
Still,
imagine
cutting
the
ribbon
on
your
shiny
multimillion-dollar
building
and
announcing:
“Yes,
it
comes
with
Wi-Fi,
smartboards,
and
a
prophecy
that
that
the
bugs
shall
rise
again!”
While
the
cockroaches
attempt
to
take
the
building
by
adverse
possession,
students
and
faculty
are
advised
to
vigilantly
populate
the
roach
log.
Or
maybe
that’s
not
the
best
name…
This
log
identifies
the
rooms
and
areas
where
the
roaches,
along
with
any
other
bugs
(e.g.,
ants),
have
been
reported.
“Other
bugs.”
Pray
for
our
friends
at
Kentucky.
(Memo
text
reproduced
on
the
next
page…)
Joe
Patrice is
a
senior
editor
at
Above
the
Law
and
co-host
of
Thinking
Like
A
Lawyer.
Feel
free
to email
any
tips,
questions,
or
comments.
Follow
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