VanDyke
via
YouTube
If
judicial
opinions
were
résumés,
Judge
Lawrence
VanDyke
just
stapled
a
cover
letter
to
his
dissent
reading,
“Dear
Donald
Trump,
please
notice
me.“
With
rumors
swirling
that
Samuel
Alito
may
be
eyeing
retirement
from
the
Supreme
Court,
VanDyke’s
latest
performance
on
the
Ninth
Circuit
reads
less
like
a
serious
judicial
disagreement
and
more
like
an
audition
tape
for
the
potentially
open
seat.
And
not
a
subtle
one.
This
is
full-on
pandering,
drenched
in
the
kind
of
belittling
rhetoric
that
reliably
delights
Donald
Trump
and
the
MAGA
faithful
who
view
professionalism
as
a
character
flaw.
VanDyke
turned
a
recent
dissent
into
a
late-night
blog
comment
section
rant,
complete
with
mockery,
sarcasm,
and
a
sneering
tone
that
would
get
a
first-year
associate
hauled
into
HR
by
lunchtime.
The
full
en
banc
court
was
reviewing
a
denial
of
a
stay
of
deportation
proceedings
for
a
Peruvian
family
seeking
to
remain
in
the
United
States
while
their
case
is
heard.
In
other
words,
the
stakes
were
extremely
real
—
whether
a
family
would
be
deported
before
the
court
even
finished
considering
the
legality
of
that
deportation.
Naturally,
VanDyke
responded
by
inventing
a
fictional
place
called
the
“Circuit
of
Wackadoo.”
Yes.
Really.
In
his
dissent,
VanDyke
spun
a
bizarre
fairy
tale
about
a
mythical
circuit
where
“the
attorneys
are
all
wise,
the
judges
are
all
zealous,
and
the
law
clerks
are
all
above
average.”
(Cool
joke,
everyone,
very
original.)
In
Wackadoo,
everything
is
“enlightened
and
efficient,”
except
for
one
fatal
flaw:
the
judges
are
apparently
too
busy.
To
cope,
they
allegedly
adopt
an
“unwritten
practice”
of
granting
administrative
stays
pending
review,
a
practice
VanDyke
presents
as
some
kind
of
radical
judicial
heresy.
The
punchline?
VanDyke
insists
that
Wackadoo
is
not
the
Ninth
Circuit.
That
would
be
ridiculous.
“That
would
be
crazy,”
he
writes.
“We
only
do
so
in
immigration
cases.”
Ah
yes.
Immigration
cases.
Those
famously
low-stakes
matters
involving
exile,
family
separation,
and
irreversible
harm.
Why
wouldn’t
judges
be
extra
cautious
there?
He
doubled
down,
accusing
his
colleagues
of
employing
what
he
calls
“manifestly
unlawful
stay
procedures.”
Procedures
that,
he
claims,
create
so
many
immigration
cases
that
the
court
then
points
to
the
volume
to
justify
continuing
the
practice.
And
here’s
where
the
dissent
fully
leaves
the
rails.
According
to
VanDyke,
the
Ninth
Circuit’s
internal
dialogue
resembles
“a
judicial
Oprah
Winfrey,
confused
by
her
own
popularity.”
He
then
helpfully
scripts
it
out:
“We
are
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
sincerely
shocked
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
by
the
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
number
of
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
utterly
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
meritless
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
immigration
petitions
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!
And
you
get
a
stay!
And
you
get
a
stay!’)
…
that
are
filed
…
(‘You
get
a
stay!’)
…
in
our
court.
(‘Everyone
gets
a
stay!’).”
This
isn’t
a
serious
critique;
it’s
performance
art
aimed
squarely
at
the
MAGA
audience
that
has
learned
to
hiss
at
the
words
“Ninth
Circuit”
on
command.
And
that’s
really
the
tell.
This
dissent
isn’t
about
persuading
colleagues
—
VanDyke
already
lost
that
battle.
It’s
about
mocking
fellow
judges
as
unserious,
lazy,
or
ideologically
captured,
while
casting
himself
as
the
lone
adult
in
the
room
bravely
resisting
the
forces
of…
procedural
fairness.
VanDyke
didn’t
need
to
write
like
this.
He
chose
to.
And
he
chose
a
tone
and
style
that
just
so
happens
to
align
perfectly
with
the
man
who
would
get
to
nominate
the
next
Supreme
Court
justice.
Of
course,
VanDyke
can
afford
this
blatant
pandering.
Lifetime
tenure
means
he
doesn’t
answer
to
voters,
clients,
or
managing
partners.
He
doesn’t
need
collegial
goodwill.
He
doesn’t
even
need
to
pretend
this
dissent
might
change
anyone’s
mind.
He
just
needs
to
make
sure
the
right
people
(Donald
Trump)
notice
that
he’s
very
angry
about
immigration
cases.
Kathryn
Rubino
is
a
Senior
Editor
at
Above
the
Law,
host
of
The
Jabot
podcast,
and
co-host
of
Thinking
Like
A
Lawyer.
AtL
tipsters
are
the
best,
so
please
connect
with
her.
Feel
free
to
email
her
with
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questions,
or
comments
and
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@Kathryn1 or
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@[email protected].