Mike
Lee
is
a
United
States
Senator,
a
former
Supreme
Court
clerk,
and
a
deeply
unserious
clown.
Lee’s
new
“Patriots
of
the
Caribbean”
initiative
—
which
sounds
like
a
militia
group
that
got
lost
on
January
6
searching
for
its
lost
shaker
of
salt
—
seeks
to
help
the
Trump
administration
with
its
recent
campaign
to
blow
up
random
boats
(and
commit
war
crimes
in
the
process)
by
sending
in
a
secret
weapon.
PIRATES!
If
you’re
wondering
whether
this
is
a
bit,
it
is
not.
If
you’re
wondering
whether
Lee
understands
how
drug
trafficking
works,
international
law
works,
or
reality
works,
the
answer
is
also
no.
Lee’s
legislative
brainfart
—
in
which
he’s
joined
by
House
sponsor
Rep.
Tim
Burchett
—
is
the
Cartel
Marque
and
Reprisal
Reauthorization
Act,
dusting
off
the
“Letters
of
Marque
and
Reprisal”
power
listed
in
Article
I.
n
the
18th
century,
this
meant
authorizing
private
ships
to
harass
enemy
vessels
during
wartime.
In
2025,
it
means
handing
a
4Chan
message
board
of
armed
rednecks
a
treasure
map
where
X
marks
a
suspected
drug
lord.
Why
directly
implicate
the
U.S.
military
in
international
law
violations
when
you
can
outsource
them
to
unaccountable
dipshits
with
GoPros?
Now,
you
might
think
that
it’s
unfair
to
characterize
Lee’s
policy
as
piracy.
So
here’s
Lee
explaining,
“No,
no,
I
really
just
mean
pirates.”
“Privateers
is
what
they’re
called,”
he
said.
“Letters
of
marque
and
reprisal
are
authorized
under
Article
1,
Section
8,
Clause
10
of
the
Constitution.”Lee
said
it’s
the
same
clause
that
gives
Congress
the
power
to
declare
war,
but
it
also
allows
the
legislative
branch
to
issue
letters
of
marque,
“authorizing
privateers,
pirates
essentially
…
to
carry
out
acts
of
piracy.”
As
former
deputy
secretary
of
state
Brian
P.
McKeon
pointed
out,
“Aside
from
the
fact
that
piracy
is
universally
recognized
worldwide
as
illegal
(see
also
title
18
of
the
US
Code),
what
a
great
idea
Mike!”
The
Paris
Declaration
of
1856
formally
banned
privateering,
and
while
the
United
States
never
formally
ratified
the
agreement,
it
has
committed
to
abide
by
its
principles
as
a
matter
of
accepted
international
law.
Undeterred
by
law
or
common
sense,
the
Senator
hopes
with
this
bill
to
enlist
some
scalawags
to
assist
Trump’s
anti-drug
efforts.
Does
the
Trump
administration
actually
care
about
fighting
drug
trafficking?
Of
course
not.
It’s
not
even
been
a
whole
month
since
Trump
pardoned
one
of
the
most
prolific
drug
traffickers
in
the
federal
prison
system.
The
sponsors
of
the
bill
also
don’t
seem
to
understand
how
drug
trafficking
works,
citing
fentanyl
for
this
policy
even
though
Venezuela
isn’t
a
source
of
fentanyl,
but
rather
a
cocaine
supplier
for
Europe.
But
Mike
Lee
sees
an
opportunity
to
save
the
sagging
economy
by
juicing
the
exotic
parrot
market.
If
we’re
serious
about
looking
for
drugs,
have
we
considered
searching
whatever
office
Mike
Lee
and
his
staff
were
in
when
they
brainstormed
sending
Jack
Sparrow
to
battle
21st
century
drug
cartels?
This
isn’t
the
first
time
Lee’s
talked
about
bringing
back
piracy.
Some
legislators
champion
universal
health
care
or
securing
voting
rights,
by
contrast
every
few
years,
like
cicadas
or
rebooting
the
DC
Universe,
Lee
proposes
MOAR
PIRATES
to
the
delight
of
the
likes
of
Elon
Musk
and
Donald
Trump
Jr.
—
two
people
who
are
also
definitely
not
psychologically
stunted
adolescents
crafting
policy
on
drug-fueled
benders.
The
text
of
the
bill
doesn’t
limit
these
letters
of
marque
to
the
seas,
and
Lee’s
office
explicitly
envisions
this
policy
deputizing
private
actors
to
extrajudicially
attack
drug
cartels
“on
land
or
sea.”
It
should
shock
you
not
at
all
that
Lee’s
piracy
kick
has
long
enjoyed
the
support
of
Erik
Prince,
the
founder
of
the
infamous
private
military
contractor
Blackwater,
channeling
his
inner
Blackbeard.
Private
military
contractors
have
been
implicated
in
torture
while
working
directly
under
federal
government
supervision.
Lee’s
proposal
would
untether
these
groups
to
do
whatever
they
want
and
collect
a
reward
whenever
these
blind
squirrels
gather
a
drug-laced
nut.
The
government
can
shrug
off
human
rights
abuses
that
might
arise
along
the
way
as
none
of
its
business
because
dead
men
tell
no
tales
or
testify
in
court.
Which,
of
course,
is
why
the
world
banned
privateers
in
the
first
place.
No
one
harbored
any
illusions
that
the
practice
amounted
to
anything
but
governments
pawning
off
accountability
by
making
deals
with
violent
mercenaries.
Frighteningly,
Lee
is
sometimes
floated
as
a
possible
Supreme
Court
nominee
despite
his
constitutional
insights
amounting
to
turning
over
America’s
drug
policy
to
Long
Dong
Sliver.
No…
wait…
Long
John
Silver.
I
always
get
that
one
confused
with
that
other
prominent
figure
in
Supreme
Court
history.
Joe
Patrice is
a
senior
editor
at
Above
the
Law
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of
Thinking
Like
A
Lawyer.
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